IF YOU WOULD

One morning, a middle aged man approached his wife while she was dressing and squeezed her buttocks. “You know,” he said, “If you got rid of a bit of this, you wouldn’t need those enormous belly-hugging knickers.”
The mans wife bit her tongue and said nothing. The man lifted one of her sagging breasts, “And if you firmed these up a little,” he said, “You wouldn’t need that reinforced Victorian bra you keep strapping on.”
The mans wife remained silent and continued dressing. The man then pressed his hand against her bulging stomach, “And maybe if you lost a little of this” he said, “You wouldn’t need that super-strength Rhino-skin girdle you bought either.”
Out of patience, the mans wife could hold her temper no more, she swung around and grabbed his crotch forcefully. “And if you had a couple more inches on this” she hissed, “I wouldn’t need the gardener, the postman or your frigging brother!”