Russian jokes translated to English

After some discussion we've figured out that the best punch line for worm joke would be "He's gone fishing"
Thanks to markusn

Small worm asks his mother:
- Mom, where is dad?
- He's fishing with the guys.

There is lieutenant Rzhevsky writing something. Colonel comes in.
- What are you writing?
- Anthem of our regiment.
- Let me see.. Hey, it is all bad langugage!
- No, not all. Look, there is a word 'banner' in the second line.

Lieutenant Rzhevsky and Natasha Rostova walking in the garden near the lake.
- Lieutenant, would you like to become a swan.
- Naked ass to cold water? No, thank you!

IF YOU WOULD

One morning, a middle aged man approached his wife while she was dressing and squeezed her buttocks. “You know,” he said, “If you got rid of a bit of this, you wouldn’t need those enormous belly-hugging knickers.”
The mans wife bit her tongue and said nothing. The man lifted one of her sagging breasts, “And if you firmed these up a little,” he said, “You wouldn’t need that reinforced Victorian bra you keep strapping on.”
The mans wife remained silent and continued dressing. The man then pressed his hand against her bulging stomach, “And maybe if you lost a little of this” he said, “You wouldn’t need that super-strength Rhino-skin girdle you bought either.”
Out of patience, the mans wife could hold her temper no more, she swung around and grabbed his crotch forcefully. “And if you had a couple more inches on this” she hissed, “I wouldn’t need the gardener, the postman or your frigging brother!”

Uncle Fucka ))))

I think you're the father of one of my kids...

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you Know me?" To which she replies, "I think your the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my ass???" She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

Current Location: basement computer